she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
