I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
