i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
