im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
