i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
high people should be assigned attendants
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
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