i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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