I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
