I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
