she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
