this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
