peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
