In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
