I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
