...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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