3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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