why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
