I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
