So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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