the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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