i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
