so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Randomize
