Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
