I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
