There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
