I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
