I feel like abortions should bother me more
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
