Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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