God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
