i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
