The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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