connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
