dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
