saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I don't deserve a penis
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize