Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
