when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
