she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
