I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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