Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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