i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
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