I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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