she was so not down for the gang bang
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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