Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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