I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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