His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
