The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
