I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
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