1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
okay pat passed out under dana's car
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
