I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
