I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I made him laugh his dick is mine
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
