I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
