i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
