remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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