It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize