I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
