WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
