dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
