life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize