Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
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