my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I could fuck to npr.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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