you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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