1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
