your room smells of hookers.
And success
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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