Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
