I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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